Christ As Husband, Husbands Like Christ

My wife and I have had a recurring argument all throughout our marriage, in which she (as I saw it) tells me what I'm doing wrong and asks me to change. Against which my individualistic self-esteem bucks like a bronco. You mean you don't love me unconditionally? You don't love me for who I am? Who are you to ask me to change? Somehow I doubt I'm the first husband to think this kind of thing.

The Bible tells husbands how to be husbands. They are to provide, protect, and care for their wives. How exactly that fleshes itself out may change from family to family—because not every woman is the same, not every wife will have the same needs. No matter the needs, the husband's job is to see that they are met in a biblical and loving way, "as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5.25). 

I made it my goal to work very hard to be for her the husband God was calling me to be, and I sincerely tried. And yet these arguments still kept happening—as I saw it, she still had the nerve, after all my work, to tell me I wasn't doing enough.

Working hard, in all the wrong places
I'll tell you what was happening. Imagine we're living on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and I get it it my mind to build Loanne the most beautiful farmhouse on the planet. I buy the most expensive building material, work like a dog for weeks, then go to her and, making a great spectacle of it all, I present the house to her. And find her dead. The beautiful house was all well and good, but what she really needed was for me to dig a well so she could have water.

Now of course that's an exaggeration, both of her dependence on me and of her lack of digging skills. But I often had an image in my mind of what it meant to provide, protect and care for Loanne, and I discovered that image was different from hers. I've realized that she wasn't being controlling or bossy or finicky—she was simply telling me what she needed and asking me to provide it, as a husband should. In fact, I had worked very hard and admirably...in all the wrong places. I had worked to provide nurturing and gentleness (because that's what I imagined a good husband should do) when she actually needed protection and reassurance in the form of more visible, sturdy responsibility. She needed a rock, and I was providing a pillow.

Christ as husband, husbands like Christ

What's the point of all this?  "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"  (Ephesians 5.25). How did Christ love us? By sacrificially becoming for us what we needed. We needed a Savior; we needed an expiatory sacrifice. So Christ became sin for us (which was certainly unnatural for Him) and allowed God's wrath to be poured out on Him instead of us. He made no claim on His individuality; although God, He didn't seek to assert His position as God, but "made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant" (Philippians 2.7).

Husbands, don't ever ask your wives to love you for who you are. Don't assume that your ideas of what you should be are right. Don't make claims on your individuality; don't assert your right to "be your own person". Be like Christ: find out what she needs and become that for her—and in so doing, give yourself up for her.

The battle cry of individuality is, "Be yourself." As godly husbands, we are not called to be ourselves. We are called to be like Christ. And so doing, love our wives.