I had prepared myself for this; although at the beginning I had mostly imagined what it would be like to have a girl, over the last several weeks I have thought about having a boy, and the more time went by, the more I loved the idea. I kept imagining things we would do together; helping him get ready for church or school; teaching him to brush his teeth; screaming when we try to change his diapers and he pees in our faces. I've loved these thoughts (a little less for that last one, but still), so going in to the doctor's I thought I would be ready for either one.
But when the doctor told us it was a boy, my reaction was totally unexpected: blind panic. I sat there staring at the monitor for the longest time; I kept the same look on my face for the next half hour. Loanne even took a picture of me, she thought it was hilarious. I smiled for the photo, but it was that kind of nervous smile kids get before going on a REALLY scary roller coaster.
I'm incredibly happy, but along with that joy and gratitude I'm feeling a kind of weight I hadn't expected. It's a weight that's due, I think, to what Loanne and I believe, and the way we've decided to build our family.
We believe that although we are equal (and I'd objectively put myself a couple notches below her if I were to be honest), God has designed marriage in such a way that we have different roles.
I have been given the task of taking primary responsibility for our family. That's what it means to be "head of the house"—the head is not the boss, he's the one who takes responsibility, the one who sacrifices himself first (Eph. 5.25-27), the one God comes to for explanations if someone has messed up (Gen. 3.9). Loanne has been given the task of helping me do this well (Gen. 2.18, Eph. 5.24), as well as being the oil that keeps our household running smoothly (Pr. 14.1, Pr. 31.10-31, Titus 2.3-5)—an immense task that no man is fit to perform, as we're mostly idiots. Together, we are to model for our children (and the rest of the world) the relationship Christ has with His church (Eph. 5:32).
Either way you look at it, we both have substantial jobs to do. One might think God messed up in divvying out the roles as He did, but He's been clear from the beginning that it's not about our talent, but about His will—He decided it would be this way, so we're doing it.
But the roles God has assigned to both of us has had an impact on me I wasn't expecting: the knowledge that, since our baby is a boy, I will have to raise him to be a husband and a father too; I will have to be a living example for him, and together with Loanne I'll have to teach him to be the one who someday will take responsibility in his own family—something that I'm notoriously bad at. The weight of this task has fallen on me like a ton of bricks.
I keep getting flashes of texts I know—Proverbs 14.26: "In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge." Proverbs 20.7: "The righteous who walks in his integrity—blessed are his children after him!"
These are weighty to me now, not only for the fact that my behavior, my fear of the Lord, and my integrity will have a profound impact on my son and act as protection and blessing for him, but also because Loanne and I must now raise a kid whose behavior, fear of the Lord and integrity will have a profound impact on his children. These tasks are thick with potential—potential for good if we do it right, potential for disaster if we do it wrong.
But under and over it all, we have God's promise. He has told us, as He told Joshua, to "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1.9). In other words, "Be strong and courageous, but don't look at your own meager capacities—that'll just freak you out. You have a much better reason to be brave: I am with you wherever you go."
That's enough. Our son, Lord willing, will be fine.
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